For those of you who are used to my “positive” (so I’m told) posts, this will not be one of those. I’m basically going to use my blog to complain about how shitty my life is right now. So that’s your warning. Get out while you can.

I’m sure most of you have heard that my dad passed away on January 26th. At the exact time this was happening in Texas, Sterling and I were visiting my new doctor, who happened to be Dr. F’s main contact at SCCA and who basically spent dozens of hours writing my treatment plan and getting Group Health to pay for it. Yes, it was so bad that my insurance company had basically written me off–hey, it’s an expensive procedure, but that’s why I got expensive secondary insurance. Dr. M told us I was lucky to be alive, and we think I am sort of his miracle case for 2011. (A side note–if Klaus did not work they would have known right away. Marla was such an aggressive bitch she just would have kept on growing). So, this is is an odd thing to hear and something that you only want to hear AFTER the fact.

So we leave, having these odd feelings of terror and relief and wow every moment of my life is a bonus. It was a very strange mix of emotion and really a profound moment in my life. I wanted to hold on to that feeling. It lasted about 45 minutes until Sterling received a hysterical call from my mom.

I don’t want to get too into the details right now, but for those who don’t know he was just sick that day throwing up and when it actually happened it was very sudden. It was officially hardening of the arteries. It seems like every other person has bypass surgery these days but they just didn’t catch it in time. I am eternally grateful that he didn’t suffer and didn’t have to be in the hospital or suffer an extensive illness, and I had just spent 10 solid days with him at Christmas. Our last communication was a series of emails of him worrying that there would not be enough snow for his annual ski trip in Utah, which was scheduled for a few days after his death. The funeral was standing room only and an overwhelming showing of love and support.

So rewind back the beginning of January. I remember the last day I had any GI problems, and ever since then I have been eating whatever I want and have been fine. For about a week, I felt great, I had energy. Then all of the sudden I woke up and felt like I had run a marathon. My joints and muscles were stiff and sore. Then I noticed I was retaining a lot of water. My whole body was swollen and I would get crinkle marks everywhere from my clothes and the sheets, even though I was drinking as much water as a I usually do. Sterling had me do the prayer hands they use to check for GVHD and it was pathetic. These are all tell-tale signs of auto-immune/GVHD issues. A long term follow up nurse came down during my appointment with Dr. M. and said that she would call to schedule an appointment with me within 2-4 weeks, so I’m seeing them (LTFU) on the 21st.

The symptoms have not worsened, which is good. I’ve been walking which makes me feel better but doesn’t solve anything. It’s like you did a really hard weight workout and can’t straighten your arms afterwards. The hardest things are taking off shirts and taking off boots. I’m been doing some Bikram yoga moves to try and stay limber-each one, which I used to do easily, is like torture but I feel better afterwards. But it also seems like my physical response to grief is fatigue. Everyday I now not only feel like I ran a marathon but also got beat up. It makes me tired to to even look at someone walking in heels (I live in Seattle so that’s usually just on TV) or just out doing everyday life (even though I was out and about dragging around 30 pounds of plans yesterday).

So, all this has been awesome. Add to that my annoying chronic cough that seems to have worsened with the climate in Texas and happens with every elevation change–every time I lean down, stand up, or lay down; and the absolute inability of my body to regulate its temperature. I am cold ALL of the time and when I do manage to get warm I feel feverish and sweat it out if I am too cocooned in the covers. I somehow managed to lose my change purse with cash between the train and my house coming home on Tuesday. Every aspect of work totally sucks right now. I feel ugly and useless and that no good thing will ever happen to me.

OK, so that was a little dramatic. I’m just having a really hard time right now. I’m sure everything with the GVHD will be fine, it’s not getting worse, they should be able to fix it with a little Predisone, and it means that Klaus is still kicking. Sterling is wonderful as always which makes me feel bad. He married a girl with a perfect life who was full of energy and I am just a shell of that person right now.

I want everyone to know how much I appreciate all of the support. If you want to call, call. If I don’t feel like talking, I won’t answer. I am being worse than ever about returning phone calls and messages, and I’m sorry about that. It just takes so much energy to get through the day and I just can’t hash things out over and over if I’m not in the mood. This of course leads to the fact that I have so many caring and wonderful friends and family. This fact does not escape me in the midst of my complaining. And please know that I am NOT looking for sympathy. Sometimes a girl just need to be brutally honest and get it all out, and I hope that’s OK, and if you’ve made it this far, thank you for listening.